BDSM could possibly be the best way to explore your sexual desires, and while all the concepts and different branches of exploration can be kind of scary when you’re new to the discipline, getting to grips with just the basics will allow room for so much more pleasure!
So, what are the basics?
Firstly, let’s define.
B - Bondage & Discipline
Bondage: Bondage involves the consensual restriction of a person's movement for erotic or aesthetic purposes.
Discipline: Discipline refers to the consensual use of rules, rewards, punishments, and structure within a BDSM dynamic.
D - Dominance & Submission
Dominance (D): Dominance refers to the role of the person who exercises control, authority, or power over their partner(s) within a BDSM dynamic.
Submission (S): Submission involves the role of the person who willingly surrenders control, authority, or power to their dominant partner(s) within a BDSM dynamic.
S - Sadism
Sadism refers to the enjoyment or gratification gained from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.
M - Masochism
Masochism refers to the enjoyment or gratification gained from experiencing pain, humiliation, or domination oneself.
I get it. If you’re new to BDSM, these definitions are going to seem kinda scary. That is, unless it actually gives you a-ha! moment. But enjoying BDSM could possibly be the best way for couples to rediscover intimacy and explore their desires. There is a strong focus on communication and consent after all.
So here are three ways that you can introduce BDSM into your relationship:
Temp play
Playing with temperature is the best way to explore sadism and masochism as a beginner. Pain and pleasure activate overlapping areas of the brain that can lead to the blurring of sensations and the body’s response to pain; such as an increased heart rate and adrenaline release, can contribute to a heightened sense of arousal leading to sexual pleasure. So it’s no surprise then, that playing with ice cubes on nipples and hot wax on backs are incredibly sexy tasks.
Don’t just pick up a tealight and chuck it on your partner though, ffs. You’re wanting to blur those lines, not scar! Try these titillating drip candles and make them melt!
Experience both being a dom and a sub
Design two separate nights so that you get to experience being both a dom and a sub. So when you’re playing a dominant, think about what you want your sub to do for you and how you want to reward/ punish them (punishments should still be fun!). You could sit back and reap in the pleasure benefits or be active in using them for your pleasure. If it’s your turn to play sub, make sure you’re happy and excited about your rewards and punishments, and enjoy being ‘taken advantage of’ or used for your partner’s pleasure.
Don’t forget to dress the part! Try this:
Use a paddle and handcuffs
Let’s talk bondage and discipline. Eventually, you may want to be tied up with rope and strung from the ceiling, right?! But for now, let’s stick with the basics. Handcuffs are a surefire way to experience submission and hand that power over! Likewise, paddles can be especially effective punishments, blurring the lines between pain and pleasure even more. Check these out:
Safe Words
But before any of that juicy stuff comes communication. Design your ideal fantasy and bring your desire to life. Talk about what you’d like to achieve for your pleasure and get creative- you need a safe word!
Safe words need to be a word that is unusual enough for the both of you to end all action immediately. I was once asked why ‘no’ cannot be a safe word and I tend to use this example;
Woman on bottom, man on top, penetrating. Man goes to kiss woman and women says no. Woman is saying no to the kiss but is happy for penetration to continue. If woman uses the safe word, all actions cease immediately without hesitation.
Bear in mind that as you explore further with BDSM, you may not always have your mouth available to speak. It is essential that everyone knows what is to happen and is given opportunities throughout the play to check in with their feelings and ensure they're still happy to continue. Having a 'safe signal' can also help. Again, this comes down to communication; plan, plan, plan your explorations!
Remember: These situations are only fun if everyone is happy to be there and free to leave at any time.