Have you ever been called frigid? I’ve been called frigid an awful lot in my time and now, at the crucial age of 35, I recognise why.
Anytime I’ve said no to a boy (when I was a teen!) or a man, they’ve called me frigid. But that’s not because I am frigid, that’s because they couldn’t handle rejection. That’s because they were taught that women owe them pleasure. They weren’t taught the actual meaning of consent.
I’ve been sexually assaulted by three different men in my life. Raped by one of those too. Throughout the time I spent in an abusive relationship, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted. My nervous system was absolutely fucked.
I want to tell you that there was an actual point afterwards where my body just switched back on and that’s it, I could have sex with someone and experience pleasure, but that’s just not the case.
You see, we’re not just battling traumatic sexual experiences and the expectation of men are we? We’re battling generational shame around our bodies and pleasure at the same time.
The key for me was learning how to feel confident in my own body because then I could go into partnered sex to gain pleasure. Which sounds ridiculous because that’s what it’s meant to be about right? Wrong. Loads of us women go into partnered sex to please.
Building confidence in my own body meant that I could decide whether I actually wanted to experience this with this person and what I wanted out of it.
So how do you do that? That’s the fucking question, right 😅
You absolutely have to get comfortable with masturbation. I’m not talking a quick flick, panicking whether anyone can hear or whether someone’s just come in the house or not, and then feeling guilty or shameful after the orgasm.
I’m talking about actually relaxing into your body. Feeling every touch. Feeling safe being naked. Recognising that your body is yours. Putting your hands on your tits and knowing that that’s fucking okay!
So from now on I want you to get naked. Get naked whenever you’re home alone (please don’t run around the fucking streets naked), or any other chance you get. Get used to feeling and seeing your naked body.
I absolutely recommend getting yourself a wand to start exploring your pleasure. They’re non-penetrative and can be used all over so it’s a great way to start.
Using your hands and fingers to bring yourself pleasure is really important too as sometimes the shame is rooted in the physical touch. Ensure you’re using a mixture of both!
I was once a shell of a person, existing in a distorted reality that he had created, always questioning my own feelings and thoughts and feeling shameful over my body.
I now go into partnered sex ready to feel, and get me those orgasms!
Get yourself a wand today and let me know in the comments if you can relate to anything I’ve said, the more we speak about this, the more we can help each rise.
Lots of love 🩷
P.S. pic of me in our Romance à Deux Set, loving my rolls, curves, butt, boobs, stretch marks- the lot!