To porn or not to porn

Lots of people claim that their relationship 'broke down over a porn addiction’. Lots of people claim that they feel inadequate and insecure over their partner’s use of porn. ‘Porn addiction’ is often the cause of intimacy conflicts within relationships. Porn addiction is self-perceived by so many men experiencing ‘problematic porn use’. 

But what if I told you that porn addiction wasn’t a real thing? 

 

Understanding porn

Pornography is the consumption of sexual depiction through video, picture or writing that leads to arousal and sexual gratification. Something you use to get off to!

Pornography, like many things, is influenced by social norms. This meant that with the development of film in the 1960s, pornography became something that objectified women and focused on men’s pleasure. A sign of a patriarchal society. This, coupled with the changing tide on women’s rights and ethical laws being introduced, gave pornography its social stigma that many people still hold today. 

However, much like that changing tide, time is fluid and ever changing. Thanks to the likes of Erika Lust and her ethical adult films, you absolutely can find pornography that represents real life people in real-world situations. So why shouldn't you use visual stimuli to gain sexual gratification and explore desires and fantasies? 

Is ‘porn addiction’ even a real thing? 

Whilst there seems to be a whole area of professional help dedicated to ‘porn addiction’, porn addiction is not actually formally identified as a mental health disorder nor a behavioural addiction. Research suggests that there are far too many other factors contributing to problematic porn use to say for sure that consuming porn in itself, is the problem. You see, the problems usually arise when someone holds the belief that consuming porn is wrong in the first place (Grubbs et al cited in Ley, D 2018). So if you’ve been raised in a household where pleasure, porn and masturbating was seen as ‘wrong’, of course you’re going to feel horrified that you’re consuming the very thing you know to be unacceptable and dirty. 

Pornography, whilst not a problem in itself, may be consumed by someone who is experiencing Compulsive Sexual Behavioural Disorder (CSBD). The lack of knowledge around this subject and the subsequent lack of scientific research, therefore, may well be a contributing factor when self-proclaiming a ‘porn addiction’. In other words, people hear bad things about having a sex addiction and presume that they must therefore have it, if they watch loads of porn! 

But in reality, the psychological distress caused by the violation of your deeply held values through porn consumption, is nowhere near enough to warrant a diagnosis of ‘addiction’! (Wikipedia, 2024)

When does porn become a problem in relationships?

A common complaint in relationships goes much like this: male consumes porn whilst masturbating, and this creates conflict between him and his female partner. The male doesn’t stop his consumption of porn, he hides it, causing even more conflict. 

Why is he hiding it? 

Because he believes (and his partner verifies this with her reaction), that consuming porn is wrong. This male then self-identifies as a porn addict because he feels like he cannot stop, and the relationship conflict worsens as a result. But the problem here is not the consumption of porn itself, but rather, the belief that consuming porn is bad and should be stopped in the first place.

The right way to use pornography in relationships

To enhance masturbation

Yes you absolutely should still be masturbating whilst in a relationship. Your partner is NOT responsible for your sexual well-being! Using porn whilst doing so, allows you the space to work out your likes and dislikes so that you can effectively communicate these to your partner. It’s also a way of exploring your desires whilst protecting your relationship.  Data from Pornhub’s 2023 year in review suggests that women were more likely to search for Lesbian porn whilst men preferred Japanese porn. Whatever tickles your pickle, we’re here for it.

To get the conversation flowing

Watching porn together is not only a way of protecting your relationship whilst still experiencing your fantasies but also a good way of getting the conversation started. You will find that more often than not, it creates a conversation about your desires, and any fantasies you may have that you’d like to try out together. It’s also a good way of discussing where your boundaries and limits are.

To keep the passion burning bright!

Why not have a go at making your own so that you can enjoy your own film during masturbation or partnered play?! This is also a fabulous way of including your partner in your solo practices. Send them a cheeky photo/video whilst they’re at work and show them what they’re missing. Be sure to always discuss boundaries, limits and expectations!

 

To porn, ethically!

How different would it be if we accepted that masturbation and porn consumption was absolutely okay, and we communicated our solo practices to our partner in order to enhance togetherness? How different would it also be, if we challenged the stigma surrounding the type of porn available, and opted for ethical porn producers instead? How different would it be if education included masturbation and accessible ethical porn? 

Like with the change of tide in the 60s mentioned above, here in 2024 tools for pleasure, exploring sexuality, sex education and ethical pornography are becoming increasingly readily available, a reflection of today’s ever-changing society. 

Be sure you’re making informed decisions, protecting your autonomy, and above all, experiencing YOUR pleasure.  

 

Check out LUSTCINEMA. It's like Netflix, but sexier. 

 

 

 

References & Further Reading! 

Ley, David, J. Psychology Today, 2018. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too  [Accessed Date: 25th March 2024].

Pornhub, 2023. https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2023-year-in-review#gender-demographics [Accessed date: 26th March 2024)

Wikipedia, 2024.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_sexual_behaviour_disorder#:~:text=This%20disorder%20can%20also%20cause,%22%20in%20the%20ICD%2D11. [Accessed date: 26th March 2024)